It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and she was petting her beer can
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
