Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
