Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
