if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
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It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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