i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
