im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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