Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize