our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
