Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
