Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
