how hairy? two words: wookie tits
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
