my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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