I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He has the fingertips of a God
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