well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
