I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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