he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
