Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
