I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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