They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
