I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
