I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love having hate sex.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
