cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
