38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She told me I should be a condom model.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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