He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
