So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
