forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
