sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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