I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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