i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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