oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
soo... how was my night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
