I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
