talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser