So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
