I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
