He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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