Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
