i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
