tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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