If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
