Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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