the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
