shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
