I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
