Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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