sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
