Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
kristin has been a bad kristin
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we're making bets on your personal life
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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