my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
