I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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