she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
