...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
