My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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