Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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