Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So vagazzling was a success
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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