if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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