How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think your dad took our porno
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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