So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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